Thursday, July 30, 2009

Creative signs

Anesthesiologist business card:




When you care enough to sleep with the very best.






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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming"

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

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And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago

Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY!

We Must Stop This Immediately

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has happened to my computer's fonts-they are smaller than they once were.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Gentle Thoughts for Today


Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you
haven't met everybody.


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs....'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.


One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . . . . . . . . AMEN!

Careers to Pursue When Yours Disappear

by Michael Dare

Some people lose their jobs because they always show up late and leave early. Some people lose their jobs because they called their boss an asshole. But there's a special category of people who lost their jobs because the job itself doesn't really exist any more. It just disappears, like those buggy whip manufacturers at the advent of the Model T, they produce a product that's no longer needed by any but the loyal few. They still sell buggy whips, just not as many. The masses have moved elsewhere. Here's a guide to other careers to pursue if you lost your job in such a manner.

PORN STAR

Considering how much free porn there is on the net, it's surprising the professional porn industry survives at all. If you're a porn star laid off because Harry Putz and the Prisoner of Asskaban laid an egg, there are surely a plethora of other ways to put your talent to use. You could virtually blow everyone on my Facebook FRIEND list, but that would only get you further friends, not further income. You might think about downsizing to a smaller audience and doing private porn films for a select clientele. Put the following ad in CraigsList: "Star in your own porn film. Select from our luscious collection of actors. We will come to your house and film you fucking them."

ROCK STAR

Considering how much free music there is on the net, it's surprising there's a single musician making a living. If you had a hit in the 90s, way back when people actually played CDs, you might have noticed you're not getting any royalties from the constant stream of downloads - at Limewire, Frostwire, and Pirate Bay - of your one-hit-wonder. You could follow the RIAA's example and sue your own fans, but I suggest the opposite. Make a YouTube video offering a buck to everyone who can prove they downloaded your song for free. Since that's virtually impossible, you won't have to actually pay anyone anything, and the resulting free publicity might get you a shot at being the opening act on a Vanilla Ice reunion tour.

PAY PHONES

The manufacturers of pay phones didn't sue the manufacturers of cell phones for putting them out of business because the manufacturers of pay phones WERE the manufacturers of cell phones. Let this be a role model for everyone put out of business by some new technology. Don't fight it. In the future, you'll just look like a jerk, and you don't look so hot now.

MUSIC OR FILM DISTRIBUTOR

We don't need you any more. We can make copies ourselves, thank you, no need to pay someone else to do it. Man, if you make money making copies of ANYTHING, toodle-ooh, the Free Barrier has been broken and those sonic booms you hear are your industry going bye-bye. Once I can receive MP3s and AVIs of music and movies directly from their creators, downloaded in minutes, what the hell do I need Netflix for? Waste of time and energy. I could be doing jumping jacks instead of running to the mailbox. But that's just home distribution, which once didn't exist, then became 50% of profits, and now is going to barely exist again. The future really is those big opening weekends, sitting in a crowd at a mammoth screen, where simple images take your breath away and you enjoy yourself whether you liked it or not. In order to make money, film and music have got to get you off your butt and away from the computer to an actual theatrical experience where you pay to get in. Everything else is public domain.

NEWSPAPER COLUMN WRITER

You used to crank it out for a paycheck. Now you just crank it out. No more editors telling you what to do, only readers and other writers, who are notoriously cranky too. Logic tells us if you want to support a writer, buy a physical copy of his book or magazine or newspaper or leaflet, stopping right short of Blog Post, where money never changes hands. Whenever you accept a compliment, accept the fact that compliments are pay, and thank you for reading this. If you pass it on, I get 10%.

http://www.facebook.com/dareland

Monday, July 27, 2009

Actual Passport Letter A/C

Actual letter to the Canadian Passport office

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a t. v. cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date. For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my social insurance card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight goddamn passports.

I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my fricken address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal assholes workin' there!

Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another frickin' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the frickin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (fuckin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally pissed off!

Signed - An Irate fricking Citizen.

P. S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Americans. I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the lieutenant governor of our province for ten years and I have been doing volunteer work for the RCMP for about five years. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor... WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST FRICKEN CHINA !!!!!!!

Retirement

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Political Humor

According to a new poll, 42 percent of Americans say they would vote
for Sarah Palin for president in 2012. They also said they'd support
her decision to step down in 2013. (Conan O'Brien)

Did you guys see Michelle Obama? She just got a new haircut. It's the
first real cut of the Obama Administration. (Jimmy Fallon)

The Woodstock Music Festival is 40 years old this summer. Those who
attended have changed quite a bit. They still do drugs. But now
there's a $15 co-pay. (Alan Ray)

The White House urged Congress Saturday to pass a health plan that
insures all Americans. The need is growing. A health report Friday
shows that thirty percent of Americans are attached to a machine at
home which keeps them alive, the refrigerator. (Argus Hamilton)

Critics are attacking President Obama for speaking out about the
arrest of Prof. Henry Gates, even though he did not know all the
important facts. The White House is shooting back, pointing out that
if President Obama didn't speak out about all the issues he knows
little about, he would never be able to make any speeches at all!
(Jake Novak)

On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, announced that the US will
send an additional 22,000 troops to Iraq to speed up the withdrawal
effort. It's all part of the Administration's new exit strategy,
"Reverse Psychology." (Jimmy Fallon)

Today is the deadline President Obama gave each of his Cabinet
officials to come up with $100 million worth of cost cuts, or actually
just pay their income taxes, whichever's easier. (Jake Novak)

The National Governors Conference was held in Biloxi last weekend but
economic woes kept thirty governors at home. It just is not a good
time for governors to travel. No matter where you go, voters think
you're in Argentina seeing your mistress. (Argus Hamilton)


On the Berlin brothel that's offering a discount to customers who
arrive on bicycles: "In a related story, the Tour de France has been
postponed indefinitely." (Cam Hutchinson)

Israel is now the number one nation in stem cell research, as it is
now growing heart cells, skin cells, and even brain cells. But the
Palestinians are still number one in growing terrorist cells. (Jake
Novak)

A Florida dentist is being sued after he dropped tools down a
patient's throat on two different visits. See, this is why I want a
government bureaucrat standing in between me and my doctor. Preferably
one with incredibly quick reflexes. (Frank King)

A recent study reveals that eating hot dogs can cause Alzheimer's.
That's why that's the only thing I eat when I go to see the Washington
Nationals, so I can forget how horrible they are. (Pedro Bartes)

John Barry, who turned the popular lubricant WD-40 into a worldwide
sales success passed away in La Jolla, California at age 85. He was
laid to rest after a short memorial service during which he only
slipped out of the casket three times. (Bob Mills)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

The Crisp Bread Dance

Political humor

Democrats want an investigation into a secret C. I. A. program that
was concealed from Congress by Dick Cheney. The program is so secret,
Cheney could tell you about it, but then he'd have to take you
hunting. (Jimmy Fallon)

So President Obama threw out the first pitch at the all-star game.
They were gonna ask Joe Biden, but his windup usually lasts 15
minutes. (Marc Ragovin)

A new audit by the Treasury Department found that the IRS has failed
to collect taxes from 18% of Americans who owe more than $1 million,
even after they were rejected as Obama cabinet members! (Jerry Perisho)

The Washington Nationals, with the worst record in baseball, fired
their manager, Manny Acta. Which is shocking. Usually for results that
bad in Washington you don't get fired; you get re-elected. (Janice
Hough)

More details are coming out about Judge Sotomayor. Apparently, she's a
big New York Yankee fan. This is good news for the Yankees because
they really need a strong lefty off the bench. (Conan O'Brien)


I don't want to say President Obama's all-star pitch was slow, but as
a pitcher he is a heck of a bowler. (Alex Kaseberg)


GOP Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation with his wife Jenny
Wednesday. Just three weeks ago his infidelity was world news and now
no one can remember his name. He's the only Christian in South
Carolina who can say he was saved by Michael Jackson. (Argus Hamilton)


Sarah Palin said when she leaves the governor's office at the end of
the month, she's open to campaigning for some Democrats. Well, that's
great news for Republicans. (Jimmy Fallon)

A blogger who leaked part of the Guns 'n' Roses album "Chinese
Democracy" was sentenced to a year's probation. Hopefully the band
will get a stiffer sentence for releasing the rest of it. (Todd Long)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Saint Andrews Country Club

A Scottish Jew who had worked hard all his life in Scotland, decided
that he would like to enjoy life a little, so he went to the exclusive
St. Andrews Club. He was told on applying that his application would
have to be approved by the Membership Board and that he would have
their decision in a couple of days.

Two days later he was told that his application was refused. He went
there to find out why.

He was asked, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"

"Aye" he answered, "but I'm as Scottish as you are Jock."

"Well, you understand that we wear nothing under our kilts."

"Aye, I know that."

"And being Jewish, you must be circumcised."

"Aye I am that."

"Well, the board decided that they could not stand a circumcised man
parading around with us."

"Och, away with ye man," he cried. "I know I must be a Protestant to
march in the Orangeman's parade, and a Catholic to belong to the
Knights of Columbus, but this is the first time I've heard that a man
had to be a complete schmuck to be a Scotsman!"

[Schmuck = prick]

Monday, July 20, 2009

What's Amore?

What's Amore? (Part 2)

For many years now, there has been circulating a continuously
expanding poem. Its leaping-off place is the first verse of That's
Amore, the song by Harry Warren and Jack Brooks made famous by crooner
Dean Martin:

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

Around the turn of the century we are living in, Frank Rubin, of
Wappinger Falls, New York, came up with the idea of writing some
additional verses and inviting others to contribute theirs to his Web
site. Soon, the science-fiction writer Spider Robinson picked up the
idea on his site. Sure enough, something about the rhythm of the lines
and the sounds of that last line inspired punsters to soar hilariously
from the launch pad of the original. Sing along with the best of the
take-offs:

Ray Charles gained so much fame
That his fans screamed his name:
"Sing some more, Ray!"

When the yup bought his Deere,
All the neighbors did hear,
"That's a mower, eh!"

If you want to have fun
By being top gun,
Join NRA.

A New Zealander man
With a permanent tan:
That's a Maori

If your vitamins be
Mainly C, D, and E,
Take some more A

When Canadians show
You their mothers, they go,
"That's my mawr, eh."

He stole bases for thrills,
And his last name is Wills.
That's a Maury.

When you build up a bond
Playing one wicked blonde,
That's De Mornay!

When a camera just might
Catch your halo of light,
That's an aura.
Verses 10-18/36 from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer &
Stan Kegel (©2007 Marion Street Press) Various verses by Jim Davis,
Jeff Fisher, Alan Freeman, Joseph Hagsmann, Dennis Hammes, Suzie
Lemcke, Cynthia MacGregor, Keith Martin, Spider Robinson, Frank Rubin,
and Robert Taxon. "That's Amore" by Harry Warren & Jack Brooks

Friday, July 17, 2009

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

So you think your life sucks!

Here are some mishaps of other people.

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill on the floor and my dog ate it. The good news is, I startled her and she spit it right out. The bad news is, I still had to take it after it had been in my dog's mouth.

Today, I was in charge of throwing a party for my mom. I told my little brother he was suppose to blow up the balloons which were in my dresser. Apparently, he accidentally found all my condoms, unknowingly, and decorated the house in prophylactics instead of balloons. Happy Birthday, Mom.

Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at.

Today, I hit a horrible tee shot from the 18th hole. I decided to use my driver to take my frustration out on a nearby bush. The bees who lived in that bush decided to use their stingers to take out their frustration up inside my golf shorts.

Today, I came home to find a BMW partially blocking my driveway. I was already having a bad day, and was upset that some stuck up fool blocked my driveway, so I keyed the driver's side. 5 minutes later my parents show up. The BMW was a graduation gift for me.

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed.

Today, I returned home to find out that my new and very expensive computer had overheated. I confronted my mom, and she told me that she had covered up the fan because she didn't like the noise.

Today, I queued up for few hours in torrential rain to see the Harry Potter premiere. After just four hours sleep and waking at 3am, I fell asleep during film and missed the whole thing.