Friday, July 30, 2010

Complete This Proverb

Normally, I don't share my hand-me-down jokes with you folks, but this is
like a word game that kids played and I thought you might like it...

A 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She
presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and
asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise
you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,
6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!


Don't change horses

until they stop running.


Strike while the

bug is close.


It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.


Never underestimate the power of



You can lead a horse to water but



Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.


No news is



A miss is as good as a



You can't teach an old dog new



If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.


Love all, trust



The pen is mightier than the



An idle mind is

the best way to relax.


Where there's smoke there's



Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.


A penny saved is

not much.


Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.


Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.


Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.


There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.


Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.


If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.


You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box


When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.


A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!


Better late than


Saturday, July 24, 2010

Satanic thoughts

1. Do unto others so well that they don’t even know they’ve been done unto.
2. Never give a sucker an even break, or a chance to get even when you break

3. Put the largest crimes in the smallest print.
4. Faith and hope are the keys to life. When you have someone’s, he’s ripe.
5. There’s a pot of gold at the end of every machination.
6. It’s not robbery if you have the signature of the victim.
7. Don’t notify Legal until you’re sure Run Around has failed.
8. Strong, spiritual people can do without mere worldly possessions, so get it
9. Possession is nine tenths of the law. Take possession with the loop-hole
10. When dealing with families, always think of the small, innocent children;
maybe THEY have something.

Deep thoughts

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher –
And, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The effect of music on babies

A recent report now says that the Mozart effect is yet another
charming urban legend. The bad news for hip
urban professionals: playing Mozart for your designer baby will not
improve his IQ or help him get into that
exclusive pre-school. He will just have to get admitted to Harvard
some other way.

Of course, we’re all better off listening to Mozart purely for the
pleasure of it. However, one must wonder whether, if playing Mozart
sonatas for little Tiffany or Jason really could boost his or her
intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played during
the kiddies’ developmental time?

Liszt Effect:
Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything

Bruckner Effect:
Child speaks v-e-r-y slowly and repeats himself frequently and at
length. Gains reputation for profundity.

Wagner Effect:
Child becomes a egocentric megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

Puccini Effect:
Child is prone to murderous fits of jealousy if another child plays
with his/her toys. Child also suffers never ending bout of croup and
insists it’s nothing.

Verdi Effect:
Child marches around his room repeatedly, lines up all of his stuffed
animals in a parade, pays particular homage to his stuffed elephants.

Mahler Effect:
Child continually screams – at great length and volume– that he’s dying.

Schoenberg Effect:
Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his
vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards.Eventually, people stop
listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand

Ives Effect:
The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate
conversations at once, in various dialects.

Glass Effect:
The child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and over again.

Stravinsky Effect:
The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that
often lead to fighting and pandemonium in
the preschool.

Brahms Effect:
The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences
contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12,
etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

Cage Effect:
Child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds—exactly. A recent study
has determined that the Cage Effect is preferred by 10 out of 10
classroom teachers.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Friday, July 2, 2010

My new hat

People seem to run away when I'm around, I wonder why? They never did that before. The only thing that has changed about me is my new hat.