Saturday, January 31, 2009

humor of the day

Gang ransack and vandalize a Jewish synagogue in Venezuela. Mel Gibson sends apologies. That he couldn't be there to join in.

LA Times announces 300 lay offs. From now on, the paper will be full of headlines but no stories to accompany them

RNC elects its first African-American leader. Awww. EVERYONE wants their own Barak!

Patrick Quinn replaces Blagojevich as Governor of Illinois. Quinn says the cost of the seat was much cheaper than originally offered

Genetic scientists create new strain of rice that is hardier, tougher, and will survive in harsh conditions. They're calling it Condoleeza.

Obama tries to walk through window at White House. Apparently happy to see another black man there before realizing it was his reflection

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

News of the day?

Bush Twins tell Obama girls to "have fun". Jenna confides to Sasha the Vodka is behind the Oval Office curtains.

Arab region gets snow (2nd time in recorded history). UN responds with condemnation of Israel.

Scientists discover airborne virus that causes people to gain weight. It is found mostly in unseen clouds hanging over McDonalds counters.

Blagojevich considered Oprah for Senate; & Dr Phil for Surgeon General & Judge Judy for Attorney General.

Almost 72,000 jobs lost today. Problem sourced to a menopausal boss who REALLY hates Tuesdays.

CA Mom gives birth to octuplets. Realizing they were born in
a recession, the Dad has spent most of the day shoving them back in

Police sniffer dog dies of nose cancer; cocaine blamed. Glamorous lives of sniffer dogs now under public scrutiny.

Money from drug deals keeping banks alive. So remember; a snort a day keeps liquidity at bay.

Mom of octuplets will breast feed all kids. Dad says he couldn't be happier.

The Wisdom of Larry the cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in
he trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

20. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

21 Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

22. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck

23. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we wou
ld all fall off.

24. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
ntil you hear them speak.

25. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
what you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

getting old

Tuesday, January 13, 2009