Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Growing Pains

Middle child

Mom wanted the kids to get more acquainted.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Saturday, November 13, 2010

e-Proverbs for the 21st Century:

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks
- The geek shall inherit the earth
- Don't byte off more than you can view
...- What boots up must come down

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Puns for Educated Minds

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Monday, November 1, 2010

A sad dad

A frazzled new father named Jim
Was well known for mournful hymn
He fought with some slaughters
Who had killed both his daughters
They nearly tore him limb from limb

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Friday, October 22, 2010

Thursday, October 7, 2010


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. ??????????

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Oxygenation by Michael Bass

As long as we put up with huge, unchecked volumes of
oxygen in the air, there will be tragic conflagrations. Fire requires oxygen.
Where does oxygen come from? Plants! That's where!

Plants may be pretty because they put flowers out or they are a lush green.
That's to seduce us into putting up with their continuous belching of raw,
fire-hungry oxygen into our air supply.

If plants could speak, they would say, "Burn, baby, burn!" If they were not
radically pro-blaze they would not suffuse our precious air with their
excrement - - their oygen.

We of the animal world must not stand by and let the plant world run roughshod
over us.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Colors are not
All that plants do.

Sign the petition that we Animal Chauvinists present to you at your local flower
shop, where we will be picketing. It is an appeal to our senators to rise up
against the ocean of oxygen that is the source of every deadly fire. They MUST
find a way to rid our environment of oxygen and oxygen-sympathetic gases before
we all go to blazes.

The petition is called Gas Alarm Senate Petition or GASP.

Soon we will go after plants, but we must take it a step at a time. There are
fuzzy-minded liberals who want to coddle plants, and who think an all-animal
world would be unesthetic, less colorful, folic acid deficient, and
lung-negating. They trot out the usual scientific proofs that they seem to have
for every issue, but answer this: Can we stop the fires with math?! Can you put
out a raging inferno with algebra hoses?!

NO! Sign the petition. The last word in ending oygen is GASP.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Quote Game

“I hope that someday Mankind finds a peaceful use for my invention.”
“I’m sure they will, Mr. Gatling.”
= = = = =
Julius Caesar: “Is that a knife in your robe, Cassius, or are you just glad to
see me?”
= = = =
“Let’s turn this gadget of yours toward the stars, Galileo.”
“Wait a minute! I think she’s coming back to the window.”
= = = = =
“Do you like my hat at this jaunty angle?”
“It’s rakish, but I think it borders on sartorial blasphemy, Your Holiness.”
= = = = =
Mary Magdalene: “Get away from me! I don’t care if you have a MILLION pieces
of silver, you creep! Where’s Jesus?”
= = = = = = = = = = =
“You go first, Adolf. I’ve never held a gun before.”
“Oh, no, Eva. Ladies first, by all means.”
“ So chivalry is not dead. Giggle. Giggle” BANG! Gurgle.
= = = =
“Dames! They talk, talk, talk, and cry at the drop of a hat! They hate to see a
man resting. They want things, but hate for you to ever leave their side to GET
things! They have anniversaries for everything! And woe is the man who forgets
an anniversary! Damn dames!!
Adam: “Hey God, what’s a dame?”
= = = = = = = = = = ==
“When we insisted on knowing what your husband does, Mrs. Oppenheimer, we
thought you were kidding when you said that, if you told us, you would have to
kill us.”
“Shut up and dig the graves.”
= = = = = = = = ==
“Isaac Newton! Look at you dance! Are there no laws of motion?!”
= = = = = = =
= = = = =
“Loretta, why do you have to tell people I’m a coal miner, when I also write?
Can’t your song say, ‘I’m proud to be a poet’s daughter?’
= = = = =
Michael Jackson: “Why are you saying YOU did the moon walk first, Mr.
Armstrong?! “
“Can you tell me your name, young man?”
“Immanuel Kant.”
“Ah, but you can, and just did, Immanuel.”
Besides that one incident, how was the show at Ford's theater, Mrs Lincoln?

"I'm suing you for malpractice, doctor!"

"But you're dead! I killed you!!"

"You wish, Dr. Kevorkian. You wish."
= == = = =

"I'm thinking of changing my name to Gregory."

"Gregory the Great. Nice alliteration, Alexander!"
= = = = = = = = =

Samuel Taylor Coleridge: "WORDSworth. WORDSworth. WordsWORTH. That's not your
REAL name is it, William?"

= = = =- = = = = = ==
"You're crazy, Copernicus! If Earth were spinning around the sun, we'd have to
lie down and hold on!"

= = = = = = = =

"Bertrand, you're so serious all the time! Why can't you be like your nephew,
= = = = =

"Anne Frank! Hobbies are great, but this is no time to take up yodeling!"
= = = = = = = =

Martin Luther King, Jr. : "I'm going out on the balcony to get some

= = = = = = =
Mary Todd Lincoln: "What's this stuff? You brought CATSUP to the theater?! Where
is your brain?!"
= = = = = = = =

"The 2 of us are going to pray now, Dr. Kissinger, and ask Jesus Christ to take
this Watergate thing out of my life."

"But Mr. President, I'm Jewish."

"And I'm presidentish."
= = = = = = = = =

Nancy Reagan: "Ronnie, in your speech, I think it would be nicer to say, 'Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down that wall,' than 'Mr. Gorbachev, get rid of that stain on
your forehead.'"

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Bloody humor

Arteriocyte is making artificial blood and
is awaiting FDA approval for their stem-cell based product. They call it
"pharmed blood."

I listed for you some of the ramifications, upshots, and considerations of this
revolutionary development.

People will not faint at the sight of this pharmed blood, but hiccups may be a


With this blood, a steak will not help a black eye. This will require a pork

The term "red-blooded American" will be less valid, because, with this product,
traitors' blood will also be red.

Boys who become blood brothers by mingling pharmed blood will become identical
twins - - -
with the face of the uglier boy.
To appease the bakers, cookies and doughnuts will be given to those people who
say they would have donated blood if that need still existed.


Blood banks will have ATMs.

When recipients of pharmed blood blush, they will not have cherubic red cheeks
but will have Satanic red eyes.


If your blood is pharmed, mosquitos will know and flee.

Bloodhounds may sniff your carotids.

With this product, screams will not be blood-curdling, but certain frequencies
of "YO!" may be.


The company insists on semantic revisions. Medical personnel cannot take the
pulse of someone with Arteriocyte blood . They can feel it and count it, but
cannot take it or say they took it.


Members of old-line, rich families who get pharmed blood will not be blue-bloods
exactly. You may call them "Sort-of-violet-to-fuchsia-bloods."

Warning: Males who use the more descriptive term more than three times become

The product will be expensive because most stem cells have an agent.

If there is pharmed blood in the water, sharks will view it with a healthy

Hospital labs will find that pharmed blood cannot be typed. It must be

When a vampire bat sucks your pharmed blood, you will have no bat-like
side-effects that will be of concern to your loved ones - - - - unless they
are bigoted against night people who navigate by sonar.

With Arteriocyte's blood in you, your blood pressure will still go up during
sex, but only when the sex is with something outrageous.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Friday, August 20, 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Hospital humor

A wife was at the hospital in labor. Her husband was beside her when she
suddenly began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" the husband asked.
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Bible funnies

California vs Texas

California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.

Texas: The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that's why California is broke.


Sending aid to Mexico


Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France ) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

how fairy tales really ended

The little Mermaid

Snow White

Sleeping Beauty


Little Red Riding Hood


Disk Drop

Thanks, Kristin!

Fun with an old hard drive. Took the platters out of many hard drives and put them into one drive. Spin it up to speed and give it a nudge, then watch the fun.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Complete This Proverb

Normally, I don't share my hand-me-down jokes with you folks, but this is
like a word game that kids played and I thought you might like it...

A 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She
presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and
asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise
you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,
6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!


Don't change horses

until they stop running.


Strike while the

bug is close.


It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.


Never underestimate the power of



You can lead a horse to water but



Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.


No news is



A miss is as good as a



You can't teach an old dog new



If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.


Love all, trust



The pen is mightier than the



An idle mind is

the best way to relax.


Where there's smoke there's



Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.


A penny saved is

not much.


Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.


Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.


Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.


There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.


Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.


If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.


You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box


When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.


A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!


Better late than


Saturday, July 24, 2010

Satanic thoughts

1. Do unto others so well that they don’t even know they’ve been done unto.
2. Never give a sucker an even break, or a chance to get even when you break

3. Put the largest crimes in the smallest print.
4. Faith and hope are the keys to life. When you have someone’s, he’s ripe.
5. There’s a pot of gold at the end of every machination.
6. It’s not robbery if you have the signature of the victim.
7. Don’t notify Legal until you’re sure Run Around has failed.
8. Strong, spiritual people can do without mere worldly possessions, so get it
9. Possession is nine tenths of the law. Take possession with the loop-hole
10. When dealing with families, always think of the small, innocent children;
maybe THEY have something.

Deep thoughts

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher –
And, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The effect of music on babies

A recent report now says that the Mozart effect is yet another
charming urban legend. The bad news for hip
urban professionals: playing Mozart for your designer baby will not
improve his IQ or help him get into that
exclusive pre-school. He will just have to get admitted to Harvard
some other way.

Of course, we’re all better off listening to Mozart purely for the
pleasure of it. However, one must wonder whether, if playing Mozart
sonatas for little Tiffany or Jason really could boost his or her
intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played during
the kiddies’ developmental time?

Liszt Effect:
Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything

Bruckner Effect:
Child speaks v-e-r-y slowly and repeats himself frequently and at
length. Gains reputation for profundity.

Wagner Effect:
Child becomes a egocentric megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

Puccini Effect:
Child is prone to murderous fits of jealousy if another child plays
with his/her toys. Child also suffers never ending bout of croup and
insists it’s nothing.

Verdi Effect:
Child marches around his room repeatedly, lines up all of his stuffed
animals in a parade, pays particular homage to his stuffed elephants.

Mahler Effect:
Child continually screams – at great length and volume– that he’s dying.

Schoenberg Effect:
Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his
vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards.Eventually, people stop
listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand

Ives Effect:
The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate
conversations at once, in various dialects.

Glass Effect:
The child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and over again.

Stravinsky Effect:
The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that
often lead to fighting and pandemonium in
the preschool.

Brahms Effect:
The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences
contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12,
etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

Cage Effect:
Child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds—exactly. A recent study
has determined that the Cage Effect is preferred by 10 out of 10
classroom teachers.

Saturday, July 17, 2010