Friday, August 7, 2009

Cash for Clunkers and Dunkers and more

The "Cash for Clunkers" program has been met with such overwhelming suckess that the Government has decided to expand the program into other areas. Check out these new Government program ideas that may put the "Cash for Clunkers" program to shame...touche!

Cash for Dunkers - This one really hits the middle-class across the board. Almost everyone in America might be able to take advantage of this program. The Government pays you to go to Dunkin' Donuts, $5 for a cup of coffee or $1 per donut. NOTE: DO NUT MISS OUT ON THIS PROGRAM!

Cash for Bunkers - Forced by your parents to sleep in bunk beds against your will? This program is for you. All siblings forced to sleep in bunk beds will be paid $10 a night for doing so. Congressman Barney Frank says, "This program is a bunch of bunk. I'd rather sleep side-by-side than on top of someone!"

Cash for Gunkers - Live in a greasy spoon? Work on your cars and need to get grease off your engine, off your garage floor, and off yourself? Then this program is for you. The Government will pay you hundreds of dollars to buys hundreds of cans of Gunk degreaser at about $3 a spray can.

Cash for Spelunkers - Are you under lots of pressure? Do you feel like you're about to cave? Go ahead! Have no fear, the Government is here. The Government will pay you to cave. In fact, they will pay you to go cave exploring. Imagine getting up to $1 per linear foot for every cave that you explore. Don't forget to take along your Lousiville Slugger to protect yourself. You may have to hit some bats that might try to land in your hair on your head.

Cash for Hunkers - Ladies, are you tired of your hunk of a man? Me too! I'm jealous with a capital "G"! Trade him in for some cold, hard cash. The Government is offering to pay ladies $100 a pound for their men. We're not sure what the Government plans to do with the eventual surplus of hunks, but you can only guess. I hear that Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, and Diane Feinstein, just to name a few, look like they are beginning to salivate.

Cash for Funkers - We're all hurting in this economy, right? Right! Even the music business is hurting, right? Right! To that end, the Government is offering to pay musicians $10,000 each to simply start a funk band. What the funk is up with that?

Cash for Punkers - Through lengthy studies and expensive Government commissions and committees the U.S. Government has determined that some of you don't like funky music. Join the club! Well then, the Government will pay musicians $10,000 each to start a punk band. "Play that punky music white boy!"

Cash for Drunkers - This program has barely gotten off the ground and so have the recipients of the program's rewards. Apparently, this new Government program has gone way too far. Senator Ted Kennedy originally had the brilliant idea to pay town drunks up to $10 each, each time they got drunk. The number of town drunks has increased dramatically and so has the number of drunks in Congress.

Cash for Trunkers - Not a bad Government program for college kids and their parents. Every kid, who hauls a trunk full of stuff off to college, will receive a check from the Government worth $1,000. Trunk sales appear to be off the charts at many major retailers. College enrollment has increased exponentially in recent days.

1 comment:

Gerald said...

No joke: I don't recall his name, but there's a Congressman whose district includes a large contingent of poultry raisers. He noted that he wants a "Cash for Cluckers" program to pay people for eating chicken.