Leno's Monologue 4-30-09

‘You Don’t Want to Panic’
I’m glad you’re all in a good mood, but I’m a little bummed out today because I made a bad investment. So stupid! I opened a Chrysler dealership in Mexico City.

That’s the big story. Chrysler filed for bankruptcy today. But, actually, President Obama said Chrysler was forced to file for bankruptcy because even though the unions and the banks had agreed to make sacrifices, a small group of hedge fund managers refused to help out. Boy, where is that waterboarding when you really need it?

And during his speech to the nation last night, Obama told the American people they should cover their mouths when they cough to prevent the spread of swine flu. And today, he told Joe Biden to cover his mouth whenever he talks.

Oh, man, Biden did it again. God may have taken away Bush, but by golly, he gave us Joe Biden. You see this today? Joe Biden was on the “Today” show, and he said he would tell his family members not to take any commercial flights and don’t ride in any subway cars because of this swine flu. You know, I don’t think Joe Biden ’s going to catch swine flu, but it’s pretty obvious he has a case of foot-in-mouth disease.

You know who’s really worried about this swine flu? Kevin Bacon.

Actually, you don’t want to panic, because the C.D.C. says it’s all about prevention. For example, they’re now telling people if you do put lipstick on a pig, do not use that same lipstick on yourself.

According to one of the news services, U.S. pork producers are now lobbying the United States government to change the name of this swine flu because they say it’s bad for business. And, you know, actually, they’re right. You cannot catch swine flu from eating pork. Oh, sure, you can get heart disease, obesity and high blood pressure, but not the swine flu.

And the big political story, of course, is that 79-year-old Senator Arlen Specter has switched parties. We’re learning more and more about exactly how this deal went down. In fact, I understand to sweeten the deal, as a signing bonus, the Democrats offered him a Life Alert and a year’s supply of Ensure.

Arlen Specter has been a Republican for a long time, so it has got to be tough, don’t you think? I mean, for years you’re lying out of the right side of your mouth, and now suddenly you’ve got to start lying out the left side of your mouth.

Well, actually, other senators are talking about jumping ship as well. There’s talk John McCain may go back to the Federalist Party.

Thousands of women in Kenya have vowed to withhold sex until their nation’s leaders stop their bickering. The women said they got the idea after a recent visit by Hillary Clinton.

It’s happening more and more. The New Hampshire Senate now has passed a bill that would legalize same-sex marriage in New Hampshire. So, New Hampshire could go from the Granite State to the Tasteful Marble Countertop State.