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Saturday, February 28, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
New Denny's Menu Item
In honor of the mother of the octuplets, Denny's is offering a new breakfast meal called the Suleman:
You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
You get eight eggs, no sausage, and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Importance of walking
Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about £400.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
** Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,.......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again .
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year,
spent about £400.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.
** Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,.......
just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Crack in Airplane
This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!
Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window!
Fliers beware of the substandard maintenance on the
airplanes you fly on. This is an actual crack found in the window frame on a DC-9.
I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.
Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window!
Fliers beware of the substandard maintenance on the
airplanes you fly on. This is an actual crack found in the window frame on a DC-9.
I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked , 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John
asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008!!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked , 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Stimulus Check
Sometime this year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus
Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the
Q and A format:
"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? "
A. It is money that the federal government will send to
taxpayers.
"Q. Where will the government get this money? "
A. From taxpayers.
"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? "
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are
expected to repay the Chinese.
"Q. What is the purpose of this payment? "
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-
definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? "
A. Shut up.
Below are some helpful comments on how to best help the US
economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to
China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs
and Al Queda
If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,
Honduras, Chile, and Guatemala.
If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea.
If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India
If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria.
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the
money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball
game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos,
since those are the only businesses still in the US.
Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will explain using the
Q and A format:
"Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? "
A. It is money that the federal government will send to
taxpayers.
"Q. Where will the government get this money? "
A. From taxpayers.
"Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? "
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children are
expected to repay the Chinese.
"Q. What is the purpose of this payment? "
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-
definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
"Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China? "
A. Shut up.
Below are some helpful comments on how to best help the US
economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to
China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs
and Al Queda
If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico,
Honduras, Chile, and Guatemala.
If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea.
If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India
If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria.
And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the
money in America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball
game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos,
since those are the only businesses still in the US.
How to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
How to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want
Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you
get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious
face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are
Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND
ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want
Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you
get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious
face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their
Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are
Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND
ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Cards
> Click on the link below and a playing card will appear on your
>
> screen...wait a few moments for it to load, then move the red slider bar
> at the bottom gradually to the right and stop and watch the show take
> place, then move it a little more to the right and stop and another show
> will take place and keep doing this** **till you are to the end. This
> is soooooo cool. The marvels of technology. Have patience!*
Make sure you slide the red bar slowly to see the changes.
NOTE: THIS TAKES A WHILE, SO BE PATIENT. IT'S WORTH THE WAIT.
>
> This is very cool but someone has way too much time on their hands.
Click on the link.
http://www.adobecards.com/
>
> screen...wait a few moments for it to load, then move the red slider bar
> at the bottom gradually to the right and stop and watch the show take
> place, then move it a little more to the right and stop and another show
> will take place and keep doing this** **till you are to the end. This
> is soooooo cool. The marvels of technology. Have patience!*
Make sure you slide the red bar slowly to see the changes.
NOTE: THIS TAKES A WHILE, SO BE PATIENT. IT'S WORTH THE WAIT.
>
> This is very cool but someone has way too much time on their hands.
Click on the link.
http://www.adobecards.com/
Sunday, February 1, 2009
HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON AN AIRPLANE
HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON AN AIRPLANE
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case
2. Remove your laptop
3. Start it up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you can see the screen
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky, and move your lips like you are praying
6. Then hit this link
http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case
2. Remove your laptop
3. Start it up
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you can see the screen
5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky, and move your lips like you are praying
6. Then hit this link
http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf
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