Front Porch

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span
"

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the
dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

Jamaican sandals

While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store.

The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in.
They make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband
felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on, Mon."

So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his
wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got them on the wrong feet! 'You got them on the wrong feet!

Privacy when camping

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home.

When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

New Table Cloth Trick!

Mating

My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,





' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said,

'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,

'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........

You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'




My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'






My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Horse with an itchy butt

A few Comedy Quotes

"What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."~Woody Allen
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." ~Groucho Marx
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~Woody Allen
"The best things in life aren't things." ~Art Buchwald
"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say." ~Henny Youngman

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?" ~Henny Youngman
"I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts." ~Gilbert Gottfried

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." ~ Albert Einstein
"The Internet Has Jumped the Shark" - Andy Borowitz:
"Most people don't have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."~George Burns
"It's amazing the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."~Jerry Seinfeld
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!" ~Henny Youngman
"I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early." ~Jack Benny
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there." ~Woody Allen
"Polite conversation is rarely either." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh." ~Carl Reiner
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"~Rita Rudner
"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. So when is a good time to hit them? When you're feeling festive?" ~Roseanne Barr
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows." ~Woody Allen
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." ~Henny Youngman
"Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?"~Roseanne Barr
"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult." ~Totie Fields
"Humor is just another defense against the universe." ~Mel Brooks
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." ~Groucho Marx
"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone." ~Lenny Bruce
"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~George Burns
"I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish." ~Larry David
"I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face." ~Ben Stiller
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." ~Jackie Mason
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~Henny Youngman
"Nothing succeeds like address." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The word 'aerobics' came when gym instructors said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping Up & Down." ~Rita Rudner
"Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman." ~Larry David
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" ~Woody Allen
"My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!" ~Rodney Dangerfield