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I am always in
trouble...
I'd just come
out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn &
a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten
for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
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I took my
Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in
cells. Apparently "Blacks" and " Mexicans " were NOT the correct answers.
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A fat girl
served me in McDonald's at lunchtime . She said 'sorry about the wait'. I
said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
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I walked past a
black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out,
he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
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Snow in the
forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
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A 10-year Old
Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks
'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus
,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy
replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the
moment.'
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Years ago it
was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the
doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
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Japanese
scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed
that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth
closed.
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I hate all this
terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an
unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take
that.'
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Man in a hot
air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the
fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts
back. You're in a basket you dumb shit!
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I had a big
lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which
I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji
was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a
country?
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I've learned
that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece
of cake
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