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Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
What to do when you are bored at work ...
What to do when you are bored at work ...
1. Kill a few Flies
2. Put them in the sun to dry for one hour.
3. Once they are dry, pick a pencil and paper... Let your imagination flow.
Here are a few examples...
Makes me wonder, though: where does someone work that there are this many flies ???
1. Kill a few Flies
2. Put them in the sun to dry for one hour.
3. Once they are dry, pick a pencil and paper... Let your imagination flow.
Here are a few examples...
Makes me wonder, though: where does someone work that there are this many flies ???
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Conversion Equivalents:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = 1 Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =
1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =
1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The Search for a Pastor During Bible Times
The Search for a Pastor During Bible Times
Dear Member,
We do not have a happy report, as we have not been able to find a suitable candidate for pastor of our church thus far. We do, however, have one promising prospect. The following is our confidential report on the candidates:
Adam: Good man, but has problems with his wife.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart. Interprets dreams. Has a prison record.
Moses: Modest and meek, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings.
Deborah: One word—female.
David: The most promising candidate of all, until we discovered the affair he had with a neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher, but serious woman problems.
Elijah: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
Jonah: Told us he was swallowed by a huge fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a problem with wealthy people.
John: Says he's a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Paul: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. But he's short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday with great hopes that he will accept our offer!
From" "Moses' Favorite Travel Jokes" (Barbour Publishing, Inc. © 2009)
Dear Member,
We do not have a happy report, as we have not been able to find a suitable candidate for pastor of our church thus far. We do, however, have one promising prospect. The following is our confidential report on the candidates:
Adam: Good man, but has problems with his wife.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart. Interprets dreams. Has a prison record.
Moses: Modest and meek, but poor communicator; even stutters at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly in business meetings.
Deborah: One word—female.
David: The most promising candidate of all, until we discovered the affair he had with a neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher, but serious woman problems.
Elijah: Prone to depression; collapses under pressure.
Jonah: Told us he was swallowed by a huge fish. He said the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise; but he has a problem with wealthy people.
John: Says he's a Baptist, but doesn't dress like one. Sleeps in the outdoors, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Paul: Powerful CEO type and fascinating preacher. But he's short on tact, unforgiving with young ministers, harsh, and has been known to preach all night.
Timothy: Too young.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday with great hopes that he will accept our offer!
From" "Moses' Favorite Travel Jokes" (Barbour Publishing, Inc. © 2009)
Bible Riddles
Bible Riddles by Richard Lederer
26. When was tennis first played?
27. Who was the straightest man in the Bible?
28. How was Pharaoh's daughter like a stockbroker?
29. What did the Egyptians do when it got dark?
30. Who was the first man in the Bible to break all ten
commandments?
31. How do we know for certain that Moses was a male?
32. Who were the three most constipated men in the Bible?
33. Who was the greatest actor in the Bible? Of what did he die?
34. How was Ruth rude to Boaz?
35. Why was Goliath astonished when David hit him with a stone?
36. Who was older -- David or Goliath?
37. What evidence is there of sewing in the time of David?
38. Why was the prophet Elijah like a horse?
39. Who was the most successful doctor in the Bible?
40. What did Job have to cover his sackcloth and ashes?
41. Who was the strongest man in the Bible?
42. Who was Jonah's guardian?
43. How is the story of Jonah an inspiration?
The Answers
26. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
27. Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.
28. She took a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.
29. They turned on the Israelites.
30. Moses.
31. He wandered around the desert for 40 years and never
stopped to ask anyone for directions.
32. Cain, because he wasn't Abel; Methuselah, who sat on the
throne for 900 years; and Moses, because God gave him two
tablets and sent him into the wilderness.
33. Samson.He brought down the house,then died of fallen arches
34. She pulled his ears and stepped on his corn.
35. It had never entered his head before.
36. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
37. He was hemmed in on all sides.
38. He was fed from aloft.
39. Job. He had the most patience.
40. Only three miserable comforters.
41. Jonah. The whale couldn't keep him down.
42. The whale brought him up.
43. Jonah was down in the mouth but came out all right.
26. When was tennis first played?
27. Who was the straightest man in the Bible?
28. How was Pharaoh's daughter like a stockbroker?
29. What did the Egyptians do when it got dark?
30. Who was the first man in the Bible to break all ten
commandments?
31. How do we know for certain that Moses was a male?
32. Who were the three most constipated men in the Bible?
33. Who was the greatest actor in the Bible? Of what did he die?
34. How was Ruth rude to Boaz?
35. Why was Goliath astonished when David hit him with a stone?
36. Who was older -- David or Goliath?
37. What evidence is there of sewing in the time of David?
38. Why was the prophet Elijah like a horse?
39. Who was the most successful doctor in the Bible?
40. What did Job have to cover his sackcloth and ashes?
41. Who was the strongest man in the Bible?
42. Who was Jonah's guardian?
43. How is the story of Jonah an inspiration?
The Answers
26. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
27. Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.
28. She took a little prophet from the rushes on the banks.
29. They turned on the Israelites.
30. Moses.
31. He wandered around the desert for 40 years and never
stopped to ask anyone for directions.
32. Cain, because he wasn't Abel; Methuselah, who sat on the
throne for 900 years; and Moses, because God gave him two
tablets and sent him into the wilderness.
33. Samson.He brought down the house,then died of fallen arches
34. She pulled his ears and stepped on his corn.
35. It had never entered his head before.
36. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
37. He was hemmed in on all sides.
38. He was fed from aloft.
39. Job. He had the most patience.
40. Only three miserable comforters.
41. Jonah. The whale couldn't keep him down.
42. The whale brought him up.
43. Jonah was down in the mouth but came out all right.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
My Wish for You in 2010
May peace break into your home and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet for $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had, forget your home address
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