Thursday, December 18, 2008

Blahgoyabitcha? (pronunciation optional)

Here are the collected quips, so far....

"This is what politicians do whenever they get in trouble. Early this morning, embattled Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich invited several ministers into his home this morning. Well, first, he prayed with them. And then, you know, out of force of habit, he tried to take up a collection." --Jay Leno

"Time magazine reports that Governor Blagojevich has an approval rating 4%. That's with a margin of error of 5%. That means he could actually disapprove of himself." --Jay Leno

"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested Tuesday for trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. When agents arrived at his house, Blagojevich asked for five minutes to pack up his things, and eight hours to brush his hair." --Amy Poehler

"Hey, you probably saw this on the news. A very embarrassing moment at the Illinois State Capitol today. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich attended the opening of the nativity scene. And when the three wise men showed up with gifts for the baby Jesus, Blagojevich demanded half the loot." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday was Governor -- is it Blagojevich or Bla-son-of-a-bitch? -- it was his birthday. You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? 'For sale.' I believe that was the sign." --Jay Leno

"People close to the case talked about Blagojevich. They said that he was willing to do anything for money. That's why he was going to sell the Senate seat. See, that is so wrong. You know, in this country -- let me tell you something. If you want money, you do what everybody else does, okay? You go to Congress and you demand a bailout. That's what we do." --Jay Leno

"They've been doing some research into Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Have you seen this guy? Well, it turns out that thing on his head actually mated with that thing on Donald Trump's head. It's getting ugly." --David Letterman

"Yesterday President-elect Barack Obama called on Illinois Governor Blagojevich to resign. And after hearing this, Blagojevich said, 'If he wants to call and talk to me, it's $4.99 a minute.'" --Conan O'Brien

"And of course, the bad news for Governor Blagojevich is that there's no chance President Bush will pardon him because Bush can't even pronounce his name." --Jay Leno

"Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell a seat in the Senate to the highest bidder. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And folks, if convicted, he could wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder." --Conan O'Brien

"President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, 'I'll do that if the price is right.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Governor Blagojevich. Today -- coincidence -- today is his birthday. So for the second day in a row, Federal agents jumped out and yelled, 'Surprise!'" --Conan O'Brien

"Let me tell you something. You know, you don't buy a Senate seat in this country. You take up donations. You go out. You lie to the American people. You make promises you are never going to keep. That's how you get to be a United States Senator." --Jay Leno

"We're not kidding about this economy, which is so bad that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich had to mark down the price of a Senate seat 40%." --David Letterman

"But did you hear about this guy? Blagojevich is charged with corruption and apparently he was stealing a lot of money, getting a lot of bribes and kickbacks and hiding them in his hair." --David Letterman

"But you know what he was doing? Because Barack Obama is the President-elect who used to be one of the senators from Illinois, Blagojevich has got to appoint a senator. So he was calling up people, saying, 'Would you like to be a senator. Well, what's it worth to you?' Well, I just hope to God this doesn't tarnish the fine reputation of Illinois politics." --David Letterman

"It is not all bad news for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, because today is his birthday. If you want to get Blagojevich a present, you can't go wrong with a good lawyer." --Craig Ferguson

"Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is now in federal custody on corruption charges. The governor, they say he conspired to sell the U.S. Senate seat held by Barack Obama. Remember he left it vacant? He was trying to sell it to the highest bidder. Yeah, now, I don't want to say he was brazen about it, but he did it on eBay." --Jay Leno

"He's facing jail time, which will be a switch. In federal prison, he'll be going to the highest bidder. See, it's totally different now." --Jay Leno

"Here's a great story, because we had some trouble with our governor a couple of months ago, Governor Spitzer. Well, now, the governor of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich, has been arrested. He wanted $150,000 to name somebody to replace senator Barack Obama as the senator from Illinois. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. One count of bribery, also one count of fraud, and also one count of blagojeviching." --David Letterman

"Spitzer was a lot more fun and a lot easier to say, too. Yeah, when former New York Governor Elliott Spitzer heard about Governor Blagojevich, he said, 'Hey, you call that a scandal? No, I don't think so. At least when a New York governor goes down, he has some fun on the way. '" --David Letterman

"It was a very stupid thing to do. Especially since the last governor of Illinois is currently in prison for exactly the same kind of thing. And not only that, think of it, you're in Chicago, you have Barack Obama's seat for sale, don't you go directly to Oprah? Who would pay more for Barack Obama's seat than her?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Speaking of Senate seats, this morning, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI because he was trying to sell the Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama. Blagojevich says he's sorry he tried to sell the seat and extremely sorry he did it on Craigslist." --Conan O'Brien

"Shocking news out of Illinois today. Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested on corruption charges, including the allegation that he was selling Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. Now, I personally am surprised Obama even needed a seat. I thought he just levitated." --Stephen Colbert

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