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Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 6
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 5
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 4
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 3
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 2
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
And The Number 1 Thought
"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long.
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 6
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 5
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 4
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 3
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 2
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
And The Number 1 Thought
"Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last that long.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Front Porch
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span
"
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the
dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span
"
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty
the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the
dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Jamaican sandals
While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store.
The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in.
They make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband
felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on, Mon."
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his
wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got them on the wrong feet! 'You got them on the wrong feet!
The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in.
They make you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband
felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try them on, Mon."
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his
wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got them on the wrong feet! 'You got them on the wrong feet!
Privacy when camping
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home.
When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:
"Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Mating
My wife and I went to the Orange County agricultural show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,
'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........
You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said,
'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said,
'WOW~~That's more than twice! a week ! ..........
You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Friday, February 17, 2012
A few Comedy Quotes
"What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."~Woody Allen
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." ~Groucho Marx
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~Woody Allen
"The best things in life aren't things." ~Art Buchwald
"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say." ~Henny Youngman
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?" ~Henny Youngman
"I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts." ~Gilbert Gottfried
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." ~ Albert Einstein
"The Internet Has Jumped the Shark" - Andy Borowitz:
"Most people don't have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."~George Burns
"It's amazing the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."~Jerry Seinfeld
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!" ~Henny Youngman
"I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early." ~Jack Benny
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there." ~Woody Allen
"Polite conversation is rarely either." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh." ~Carl Reiner
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"~Rita Rudner
"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. So when is a good time to hit them? When you're feeling festive?" ~Roseanne Barr
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows." ~Woody Allen
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." ~Henny Youngman
"Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?"~Roseanne Barr
"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult." ~Totie Fields
"Humor is just another defense against the universe." ~Mel Brooks
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." ~Groucho Marx
"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone." ~Lenny Bruce
"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~George Burns
"I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish." ~Larry David
"I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face." ~Ben Stiller
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." ~Jackie Mason
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~Henny Youngman
"Nothing succeeds like address." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The word 'aerobics' came when gym instructors said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping Up & Down." ~Rita Rudner
"Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman." ~Larry David
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" ~Woody Allen
"My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!" ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." ~Groucho Marx
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~Woody Allen
"The best things in life aren't things." ~Art Buchwald
"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say." ~Henny Youngman
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?" ~Henny Youngman
"I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts." ~Gilbert Gottfried
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." ~ Albert Einstein
"The Internet Has Jumped the Shark" - Andy Borowitz:
"Most people don't have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."~George Burns
"It's amazing the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."~Jerry Seinfeld
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!" ~Henny Youngman
"I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early." ~Jack Benny
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there." ~Woody Allen
"Polite conversation is rarely either." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh." ~Carl Reiner
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"~Rita Rudner
"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. So when is a good time to hit them? When you're feeling festive?" ~Roseanne Barr
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows." ~Woody Allen
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." ~Henny Youngman
"Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?"~Roseanne Barr
"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult." ~Totie Fields
"Humor is just another defense against the universe." ~Mel Brooks
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." ~Groucho Marx
"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone." ~Lenny Bruce
"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~George Burns
"I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish." ~Larry David
"I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face." ~Ben Stiller
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." ~Jackie Mason
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~Henny Youngman
"Nothing succeeds like address." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The word 'aerobics' came when gym instructors said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping Up & Down." ~Rita Rudner
"Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman." ~Larry David
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" ~Woody Allen
"My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!" ~Rodney Dangerfield
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
A touching story
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
When Insults Had Class
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
Winston Churchill, in response. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." Oscar Wilde
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
Winston Churchill, in response. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." Oscar Wilde
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Texas midget
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."
Sunday, February 5, 2012
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