Saturday, September 26, 2009

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)


Ernie Anastos's blooper

Why we love children

1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat
belt!'

2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by
this child are not necessarily those of his parents.

3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right
now. She's hitting the bottle.'



4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?'

5) POLICE While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up
and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and
continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I
should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her..
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got
back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked
at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he
do?'

7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old
age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know
that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt..
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always
said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole
he goooes..' (I want this line used at my funeral!)


10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as
he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old
leaf that had been pressed in between the pages 'Mama, look what I
found,' the boy called out 'What have you got there,
dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think
it's Adam's underwear!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Future American Novelists???

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays
.......professional authors would really chuckle at these!!


Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience,
like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and
now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of
looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature
Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog
makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the
way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty
bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had
an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in
another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced
across a grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at
55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35
mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket
fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds
who had also never met.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like
a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe
from stepping on a landmine or something.

He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to
put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation
thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Bathing In Bad News

Bathing In Bad News

Just when you thought it was safe to take a shower, here’s a health scare that would make Alfred Hitchcock turn pale:

Bathing In Bad News (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane

Are health reports making you glower?
Is the swine flu bug making you cower?
Then get ready to frown
At the new scare in town:
Deadly germs in the head of your shower.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The Ill Child

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter
was very sick with a fever.

She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication
for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in
the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby
sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.

The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She suggested, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the
door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had
been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some
time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy,
bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?"

But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some
medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure".

He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was
opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much!
You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison
today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about
an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Battle Hymn of the Baby Boomers

Sunday, September 6, 2009

What's Amore? (Part 2)

For many years now, there has been circulating a continuously
expanding poem. Its leaping-off place is the first verse of That's
Amore, the song by Harry Warren and Jack Brooks made famous by crooner
Dean Martin:

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

Around the turn of the century, Frank Rubin, of Wappinger Falls, New
York, came up with the idea of writing some additional verses and
inviting others to contribute theirs to his Web site. Soon, the
science-fiction writer Spider Robinson picked up the idea on his site.
Sure enough, something about the rhythm of the lines and the sounds of
that last line inspired punsters to soar hilariously from the launch
pad of the original. Sing along with the best of the take-offs:

Ray Charles gained so much fame
That his fans screamed his name:
“Sing some more, Ray!”

When the yup bought his Deere,
All the neighbors did hear,
“That’s a mower, eh!”

If you want to have fun
By being top gun,
Join NRA.

A New Zealander man
With a permanent tan:
That’s a Maori

If your vitamins be
Mainly C, D, and E,
Take some more A

When Canadians show
You their mothers, they go,
“That’s my mawr, eh.”

He stole bases for thrills,
And his last name is Wills.
That’s a Maury.

When you build up a bond
Playing one wicked blonde,
That’s De Mornay!

When a camera just might
Catch your halo of light,
That’s an aura.

Verses 10-18/36 from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer &
Stan Kegel (©2007 Marion Street Press) Various verses by Jim Davis,
Jeff Fisher, Alan Freeman, Joseph Hagsmann, Dennis Hammes, Suzie
Lemcke, Cynthia MacGregor, Keith Martin, Spider Robinson, Frank Rubin,
and Robert Taxon.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Thursday, September 3, 2009