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Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Obit
Porky Pig, 87; popular animated cartoon star, succumbs to flu.
LOS ANGELES--Porky Pig, longtime popular animated cartoon character, collapsed on the set of Warner Brothers yesterday during a rehearsal for a comeback short feature. He was rushed to Cedars Sinai hospital in Los Angeles showing symptoms of human flu. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta expressed concern that the H1N1 virus, also known as "swine flu" could be transmitted between humans and animals--and vice versa.
After lingering in the hospital for 37 hours, Pig smiled at his loved ones, offered some last words and closed his eyes for the last time. Those at his bedside said his last words were, "Ahberee-uh, Ahberee-uh, Ahberee-uh, That’s All Folks!" Longtime companion and sometimes co-star Petunia Pig told reporters, "Leave it to Porky to leave ‘em laughing."
In addition to Ms. Petunia Pig, survivors include TV superstar and cousin Miss Piggy. "Kermie and Moi are just GRIEF-stricken," she oinked. In a rare show of cartoon world unity, Disney Studios joined Warner Brothers in ordering all flags to be flown at half-staff. Disney offered the seven dwarfs as possible pall-bearers for the upcoming funeral service, which is sure to rival that of Michael Jackson in celebrity attention and attendance.
In anticipation of the countless details and need for expert coordination, the Pig family has asked longtime Warner co-star Elmer Fudd to serve in the same role that the Rev. Al Sharpton did for the Michael Jackson memorials and funeral. Asked where Pig would be buried, Fudd, choking back tears said, "For someone of Powky’s cawiber, Faw-west Wawn is the onwy possible pwace!"
Born Porcine Swine in the Chicago Stockyards on July 4, 1922, Pig, described as the "runt" of a large litter, was lovingly adopted and raised by immigrant Orthodox Jewish parents, Sol and Sadie Varner, distant relatives of Jack Warner of the famed studio. "I always felt so SAFE with Mom and Dad," recalled Pig of his days growing up in New York’s Lower East Side, where his parents ran a strictly kosher restaurant.
Pig showed an early interest in show business, and appeared in several bit parts with W. C. Fields, Eddie Cantor and Eddie Jackson in the Ziegfield Follies. He attended Lee Strasberg’s famous Actors Studio in New York with such noted "Method" actors as Marlon Brando, James Dean and Paul Newman before launching a brief career as a serious actor. Like fellow comedian Jackie Gleason, who also had a lifetime battle to control his weight, Pig was acclaimed for some of his serious roles, especially the poignant "No Gig for a Pig," for which he received a Best Supporting Pig Oscar Meyer Nomination.
"Final funewal awangements awe incompwete," Fudd said at a news conference on Porky Pig’s Star on Hollywood’s famous Walk of Fame. Fudd did confirm that Pig’s remains are to be cremated at Roscoe McCrary’s Pork House in St. Louis, to be followed by an invitation only memorial wake and banquet. The bones are to be interred at Forest Lawn, not far from the grave of his buddy from the Actor’s Studio days, Al Capp’s L’il Abner.
Memorial contributions may be made to the K. C. Masterpiece/Arthur Bryant’s Memorial BBQ Scholarship Fund for Needy Pigs, P.O. Box P, Swine Flu, California 64567.
LOS ANGELES--Porky Pig, longtime popular animated cartoon character, collapsed on the set of Warner Brothers yesterday during a rehearsal for a comeback short feature. He was rushed to Cedars Sinai hospital in Los Angeles showing symptoms of human flu. The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta expressed concern that the H1N1 virus, also known as "swine flu" could be transmitted between humans and animals--and vice versa.
After lingering in the hospital for 37 hours, Pig smiled at his loved ones, offered some last words and closed his eyes for the last time. Those at his bedside said his last words were, "Ahberee-uh, Ahberee-uh, Ahberee-uh, That’s All Folks!" Longtime companion and sometimes co-star Petunia Pig told reporters, "Leave it to Porky to leave ‘em laughing."
In addition to Ms. Petunia Pig, survivors include TV superstar and cousin Miss Piggy. "Kermie and Moi are just GRIEF-stricken," she oinked. In a rare show of cartoon world unity, Disney Studios joined Warner Brothers in ordering all flags to be flown at half-staff. Disney offered the seven dwarfs as possible pall-bearers for the upcoming funeral service, which is sure to rival that of Michael Jackson in celebrity attention and attendance.
In anticipation of the countless details and need for expert coordination, the Pig family has asked longtime Warner co-star Elmer Fudd to serve in the same role that the Rev. Al Sharpton did for the Michael Jackson memorials and funeral. Asked where Pig would be buried, Fudd, choking back tears said, "For someone of Powky’s cawiber, Faw-west Wawn is the onwy possible pwace!"
Born Porcine Swine in the Chicago Stockyards on July 4, 1922, Pig, described as the "runt" of a large litter, was lovingly adopted and raised by immigrant Orthodox Jewish parents, Sol and Sadie Varner, distant relatives of Jack Warner of the famed studio. "I always felt so SAFE with Mom and Dad," recalled Pig of his days growing up in New York’s Lower East Side, where his parents ran a strictly kosher restaurant.
Pig showed an early interest in show business, and appeared in several bit parts with W. C. Fields, Eddie Cantor and Eddie Jackson in the Ziegfield Follies. He attended Lee Strasberg’s famous Actors Studio in New York with such noted "Method" actors as Marlon Brando, James Dean and Paul Newman before launching a brief career as a serious actor. Like fellow comedian Jackie Gleason, who also had a lifetime battle to control his weight, Pig was acclaimed for some of his serious roles, especially the poignant "No Gig for a Pig," for which he received a Best Supporting Pig Oscar Meyer Nomination.
"Final funewal awangements awe incompwete," Fudd said at a news conference on Porky Pig’s Star on Hollywood’s famous Walk of Fame. Fudd did confirm that Pig’s remains are to be cremated at Roscoe McCrary’s Pork House in St. Louis, to be followed by an invitation only memorial wake and banquet. The bones are to be interred at Forest Lawn, not far from the grave of his buddy from the Actor’s Studio days, Al Capp’s L’il Abner.
Memorial contributions may be made to the K. C. Masterpiece/Arthur Bryant’s Memorial BBQ Scholarship Fund for Needy Pigs, P.O. Box P, Swine Flu, California 64567.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Heinous Heenes?
Heinous Heenes?
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Two publicity mongers named Heene
Are accused of a hoax quite obscene:
Claimed their wayward balloon
Held their child. Opportune
For a shot at “reality” green.
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Two publicity mongers named Heene
Are accused of a hoax quite obscene:
Claimed their wayward balloon
Held their child. Opportune
For a shot at “reality” green.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
GRANDCHILDREN
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of
her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her
lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to
kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again
without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked
me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and
then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks
and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw
a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed
with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say
with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was
like: "We used to skate
outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you
and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" He
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read.."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to
test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last,
she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out
some of these, yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights
off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no
use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to
6. "
10. A second grader
came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a
little surprised, tried to keep her cool "That's interesting," she said, "how do
you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i'
and add 'es'."
11 Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant
means?" She asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying
a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a
fire truck zoomed past Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.. "They use him
to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good
luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she
said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives
at the airport, and when we want her,
we just go get her. Then, when we're done
having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I
don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they
blame their dog.
her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her
lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to
kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again
without thinking about
kissing the toilet paper good-bye....
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked
me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and
then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks
and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard
the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw
a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed
with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say
with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was
like: "We used to skate
outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it
hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you
and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" He
asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read.."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to
test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would
tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last,
she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out
some of these, yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights
off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no
use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9 When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to
6. "
10. A second grader
came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a
little surprised, tried to keep her cool "That's interesting," she said, "how do
you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i'
and add 'es'."
11 Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant
means?" She asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying
a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a
fire truck zoomed past Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.. "They use him
to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good
luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she
said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives
at the airport, and when we want her,
we just go get her. Then, when we're done
having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I
don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they
blame their dog.
Funny quotes
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress !!"
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Please bring a
friend --- if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
........ "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second night --- if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx.
gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or
your mistress !!"
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Please bring a
friend --- if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
........ "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second night --- if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx.
Scrabble
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Zs
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Zs
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
The Laws Of Life
> The Laws of Life-----
> & Law of Mechanical Repair
> After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to
itch and you'll have to pee.
>
> & Law of Gravity
> Any object, when dropped, will roll, slide or bounce to the least
accessible corner.
>
> & Law of Probability
> The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.
>
> & Law of Random Numbers
> If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone
always answers.
>
> & Law of the Alibi
> If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
>
> & Variation Law
> If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
>
> & Law of the Bath
> When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
>
> & Law of Close Encounters
> The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
>
> & Law of the Result
> When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
>
> & Law of Biomechanics
> The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
>
> & Law of the Theater
> At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.
>
> & The Starbucks Law
> As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask
you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
>
> & Murphy's Law of Lockers
> If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.
>
> & Law of Physical Surfaces
> The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a
floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.
>
> & Law of Logical Argument
> Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
>
> & Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
> If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
>
> & Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
> As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.
>
> & Doctors' Law
> If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the
time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and
you'll stay sick.
> & Law of Mechanical Repair
> After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to
itch and you'll have to pee.
>
> & Law of Gravity
> Any object, when dropped, will roll, slide or bounce to the least
accessible corner.
>
> & Law of Probability
> The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your act.
>
> & Law of Random Numbers
> If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone
always answers.
>
> & Law of the Alibi
> If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
>
> & Variation Law
> If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always
move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
>
> & Law of the Bath
> When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
>
> & Law of Close Encounters
> The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
>
> & Law of the Result
> When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
>
> & Law of Biomechanics
> The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
>
> & Law of the Theater
> At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.
>
> & The Starbucks Law
> As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask
you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
>
> & Murphy's Law of Lockers
> If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent
lockers.
>
> & Law of Physical Surfaces
> The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a
floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the
carpet/rug.
>
> & Law of Logical Argument
> Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
>
> & Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
> If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
>
> & Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
> As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop
making it.
>
> & Doctors' Law
> If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the
time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and
you'll stay sick.
What's Amore? (Part 4)
For many years now, there has been circulating a continuously
expanding poem. Its leaping-off place is the first verse of That's
Amore, the song by Harry Warren and Jack Brooks made famous by crooner
Dean Martin:
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.
Around the turn of the century, Frank Rubin, of Wappinger Falls, New
York, came up with the idea of writing some additional verses and
inviting others to contribute theirs to his Web site. Soon, the
science-fiction writer Spider Robinson picked up the idea on his site.
Sure enough, something about the rhythm of the lines and the sounds of
that last line inspired punsters to soar hilariously from the launch
pad of the original. Sing along with the best of the take-offs:
When Ms. Stewart tops weeds
With gold sesame seeds,
That’s potpourri.
When the top-ranking Whig
Calls the P.M. a prig,
That’s a Tory.
Bush, G.W., won
A hard-fought election
From one Gore, A.
When rangers in hoods
Lead treks through the woods,
That’s a foray.
When an area stocks
A great number of rocks,
That’s a quarry.
When you get in a fight
With a guy of great height,
You’ll be sore, eh?
When a sting ray is all
That they sell at a mall,
That’s a mall ray.
When doc scans your head
On a magnetic bed,
That’s M-R-I.
Our serial pun
Its course it has run.
So no more play.
Verses 28-36/36 from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer &
Stan Kegel (©2007 Marion Street Press) Various verses by Jim Davis,
Jeff Fisher, Alan Freeman, Joseph Hagsmann, Dennis Hammes, Suzie
Lemcke, Cynthia MacGregor, Keith Martin, Spider Robinson, Frank Rubin,
and Robert Taxon.
expanding poem. Its leaping-off place is the first verse of That's
Amore, the song by Harry Warren and Jack Brooks made famous by crooner
Dean Martin:
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.
Around the turn of the century, Frank Rubin, of Wappinger Falls, New
York, came up with the idea of writing some additional verses and
inviting others to contribute theirs to his Web site. Soon, the
science-fiction writer Spider Robinson picked up the idea on his site.
Sure enough, something about the rhythm of the lines and the sounds of
that last line inspired punsters to soar hilariously from the launch
pad of the original. Sing along with the best of the take-offs:
When Ms. Stewart tops weeds
With gold sesame seeds,
That’s potpourri.
When the top-ranking Whig
Calls the P.M. a prig,
That’s a Tory.
Bush, G.W., won
A hard-fought election
From one Gore, A.
When rangers in hoods
Lead treks through the woods,
That’s a foray.
When an area stocks
A great number of rocks,
That’s a quarry.
When you get in a fight
With a guy of great height,
You’ll be sore, eh?
When a sting ray is all
That they sell at a mall,
That’s a mall ray.
When doc scans your head
On a magnetic bed,
That’s M-R-I.
Our serial pun
Its course it has run.
So no more play.
Verses 28-36/36 from "The Ants Are My Friends" by Richard Lederer &
Stan Kegel (©2007 Marion Street Press) Various verses by Jim Davis,
Jeff Fisher, Alan Freeman, Joseph Hagsmann, Dennis Hammes, Suzie
Lemcke, Cynthia MacGregor, Keith Martin, Spider Robinson, Frank Rubin,
and Robert Taxon.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Piano stairs -The fun theory
We believe that the easiest way to change people's behaviour for the better is by making it fun to do. We call it The fun theory.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
And that's how the fight started
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Internet Warning
INTERNET WARNING:
If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi” don't open it.....
It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.
If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi” don't open it.....
It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.
The Price Of Facebook Friendship
The Price Of Facebook Friendship (Limerick)
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Feeling lonesome? Don’t have enough friends?
You can try out this latest of trends:
Buy pals by the litter
At Facebook and Twitter.
Pay cash and your loneliness ends.
By Madeleine Begun Kane
Feeling lonesome? Don’t have enough friends?
You can try out this latest of trends:
Buy pals by the litter
At Facebook and Twitter.
Pay cash and your loneliness ends.
Monday, October 5, 2009
The Philosophy of Ambiguity
The Philosophy of Ambiguity
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THEIDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
Please enjoy and understand the following
1.DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2.ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3.ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4.IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5.THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6.I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7.WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8.IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10.IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11.WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12.WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13.IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14.WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15.WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16.IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17.CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18.IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19.WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20.HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21.WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22.ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23.DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24.DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25.HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26.IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27.IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28.IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29.WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30.WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31.WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32.WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33.IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34.CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS of GOD?
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THEIDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
Please enjoy and understand the following
1.DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2.ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.
3.ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4.IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5.THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6.I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF-HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7.WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
8.IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10.IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11.WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"
12.WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13.IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14.WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15.WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16.IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17.CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18.IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19.WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?
20.HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21.WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
22.ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23.DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24.DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
25.HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26.IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
27.IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28.IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
29.WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30.WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31.WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32.WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
33.IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34.CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS of GOD?
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas
Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room.
The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him.
After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the stall door open!"
The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.
Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him.
After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."
"You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the stall door open!"
WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan'
all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is
beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would
anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years,
not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I
don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like
you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my
left or right, I am amphibious.
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to
copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own
mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win,
I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going
to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is
beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,
and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would
anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years,
not Princeton ."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to
spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's
expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him,
'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I
don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he
told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like
you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my
left or right, I am amphibious.
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob
Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
"Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
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