funniepicturez

A few Comedy Quotes

2012-02-17T13:54:00.000-08:00

"What if everything is an illusion & nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."~Woody Allen
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." ~Groucho Marx
"I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." ~Woody Allen
"The best things in life aren't things." ~Art Buchwald
"When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say." ~Henny Youngman

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?" ~Henny Youngman
"I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts." ~Gilbert Gottfried

"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." ~ Albert Einstein
"The Internet Has Jumped the Shark" - Andy Borowitz:
"Most people don't have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."~George Burns
"It's amazing the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."~Jerry Seinfeld
"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!" ~Henny Youngman
"I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early." ~Jack Benny
"Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there." ~Woody Allen
"Polite conversation is rarely either." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The absolute truth is the thing that makes people laugh." ~Carl Reiner
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"~Rita Rudner
"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. So when is a good time to hit them? When you're feeling festive?" ~Roseanne Barr
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows." ~Woody Allen
"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." ~Henny Youngman
"Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?"~Roseanne Barr
"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult." ~Totie Fields
"Humor is just another defense against the universe." ~Mel Brooks
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." ~Groucho Marx
"If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone." ~Lenny Bruce
"My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home." ~Rodney Dangerfield
"Sex at age ninety is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." ~George Burns
"I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish." ~Larry David
"I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face." ~Ben Stiller
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." ~Jackie Mason
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~Henny Youngman
"Nothing succeeds like address." ~Fran Lebowitz
"The word 'aerobics' came when gym instructors said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping Up & Down." ~Rita Rudner
"Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman." ~Larry David
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" ~Woody Allen
"My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!" ~Rodney Dangerfield

A touching story

2012-02-14T15:04:00.001-08:00

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

iPhone 5 *see fine print

2012-02-13T10:09:00.001-08:00

When Insults Had Class

2012-02-12T17:31:00.000-08:00

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

Winston Churchill, in response. "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." Oscar Wilde

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx

The Texas midget

2012-02-09T19:57:00.001-08:00

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Hmm..."mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors....

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side . . . Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.

The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.

The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"

The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots..."

Every Sperm is Sacred -Monty Python

2012-02-09T15:46:00.000-08:00

Three Ways To Fail A Drunk Test

2012-02-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

Introducing.....the fabulous Black Beatles

2012-02-05T10:18:00.000-08:00

Proofreading is a dying art

2012-01-31T13:05:00.000-08:00

Proofreading is a Dying Art these days!

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's! They must be UNION!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

2012-01-21T14:59:00.000-08:00

Need Comically Oversized Boxes? Don't Worry, The Stupid Shipping Gang Is Here

2012-01-19T09:06:00.000-08:00

It wastes resources, money, and shipping companies' resources. It generates extra trash and annoys customers. What is it? Companies' insistence on employing members of the Stupid Shipping Gang to send packages!

The Joy of Books

2012-01-14T19:12:00.001-08:00

Cool Pics 1-6-12

2012-01-06T10:54:00.001-08:00

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

2012-01-06T10:21:00.001-08:00

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Office Supplies

2011-12-28T14:02:00.001-08:00

The United States of Scary Things

2011-12-27T15:44:00.001-08:00

Rodney Dangerfield one liners

2011-12-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked i! n a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it ge! ts warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and ! they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me.! My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't ! know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew ! a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd'a had nothing to play with!

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

2011-12-22T12:56:00.000-08:00

> 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP THEM.
>
> 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
>
> 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
>
> 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
>
> 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
>
> 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
>
> 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
>
> DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN THE STAIRS
>
>
>

Piechart Humor

2011-12-22T10:39:00.000-08:00

The tables have turned@

2011-11-16T10:04:00.000-08:00

99% / 1% and Occupy Wall Street

2011-11-15T21:47:00.001-08:00

"Deteriorata" - National Lampoon

2011-11-15T15:48:00.000-08:00

"Deteriorata" - National Lampoon
You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here.
Deteriorata. Deteriorata.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss, and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on hold.
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
and despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember The Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you -
That lemon on your left, for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore. It will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan.
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Hire people with hooks.
For a good time, call 606-4311. Ask for Ken.
Take heart in the bedeepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
And reflect that whatever fortune may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.
You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore, make peace with your god,
Whatever you perceive him to be - hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up!

How blondes exercise

2011-11-12T06:01:00.000-08:00

Self diagnosis

2011-11-11T19:03:00.000-08:00

2011-11-11T16:00:00.001-08:00

Ed, the chicken

2011-11-09T06:51:00.000-08:00

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ed.’

Ed was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Chicken and eggsEd was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Ed the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’

‘Never,’ said Ed.

‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard…..

“Ed, wake up! You shit the bed!”

When you got to go, you got to go!

2011-11-07T19:26:00.000-08:00

Comma Sutra

2011-11-07T10:55:00.001-08:00

News Anchor Fail Compilation 2011

2011-11-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

Bertha and Betty

2011-11-07T06:43:00.001-08:00

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha died.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty…”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said with joy and enthusiasm, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again! Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

It's Monday And I'm Hard At Work

2011-11-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

Facebook Ads

2011-11-07T06:03:00.001-08:00

Triumph Occupies Wall Street

2011-11-06T21:53:00.000-08:00

Shortly after the cow jumped over the moon

2011-11-06T20:42:00.000-08:00

Great Orators of the Democratic Party

2011-09-04T10:35:00.000-07:00

Great Orators of the Democratic Party - PAST!
"One man with courage makes a majority." ~ Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ~ Franklin D Roosevelt

"The buck stops here." ~ Harry S Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." ~ John F Kennedy

Great orators of the Democratic party - TODAY

"It depends what your definition of 'what Is' is?"' ~ Bill Clinton

"Those rumors are false; I believe in the sanctity of marriage." ~ John Edwards

"I invented the Internet." ~ Al Gore

"America is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was - uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children." ~ Barack Hussein Obama

"I have campaigned in all 57 states." ~ Barack Hussein Obama (Quoted 2008)

"You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats." ~ Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

"Paying taxes is voluntary." ~ Harry Reid

"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he." ~ Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

And the most recent gem of wisdom from the "Mother Moron":

"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." ~ Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)

I am Cow

2011-06-27T16:33:00.000-07:00

I am Cow, hear me moo
I weigh twice as much as you
And I look good on the barbecue
Yogurt, curd, cream cheese and butter's
Made from liquid from my udders
I am Cow, I am Cow, Hear me moo (moo)

I am Cow, eating grass
Methane gas comes out my ass
And out my muzzle when I belch
Oh, the ozone layer is thinner
From the outcome of my dinner
I am Cow, I am Cow, I've got gas

I am Cow, here I stand
Far and wide upon this land
And I am living everywhere
From B.C. to Newfoundland
You can squeeze my teats by hand
I am Cow, I am Cow, I am Cow
I am Cow, I am Cow, I am Cow!

The rapture was postponed!

2011-05-27T10:31:00.000-07:00

A word to the wise

2011-04-30T06:10:00.000-07:00

IRS agency gift

2011-03-18T12:07:00.001-07:00

Bible 101

2011-03-04T05:50:00.000-08:00

WINTER IN MISSOURI

2011-02-07T18:35:00.001-08:00

t's winter in Missouri
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Missouri
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose is frozen shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think I'm a fool.
I could never leave Missouri ,
Cause I'm frozen to the stool.

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

2011-02-05T10:23:00.001-08:00

>
> 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
>
> 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
>
> 3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
>
> 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
>
> 5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THIS WILL MAKE YOU STOP AND THINK BEFORE COUGHING.
>
> 6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
>
> 7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
>

Some commercials they won't show at the Superbowl

2011-02-05T06:29:00.000-08:00

Defining.. Service

2011-01-12T15:04:00.000-08:00

I was Confused, but not any more.
I became confused when I heard the word "Service"
associated with these agencies:

Internal Revenue ' Service '
U.S. Postal ' Service '
Telephone ' Service '
Cable TV' Service '
Civil ' Service '
State, City, County & Public ' Service '
Customer ' Service '

This is not what I thought ' Service ' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ' Service ' all his cows, and BAM! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

retirement home talent show

2011-01-04T20:57:00.001-08:00

Growing Pains

2010-12-29T17:47:00.001-08:00

Middle child

2010-12-29T17:43:00.000-08:00

Mom wanted the kids to get more acquainted.

What I want on my tombstone

2010-12-11T17:46:00.001-08:00

Definable pollution

2010-12-02T13:07:00.000-08:00

Redneck fire alarm

2010-11-28T18:20:00.000-08:00

e-Proverbs for the 21st Century:

2010-11-13T14:36:00.000-08:00

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks
- The geek shall inherit the earth
- Don't byte off more than you can view
...- What boots up must come down

Puns for Educated Minds

2010-11-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

2010-11-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

The original sin

2010-11-02T13:55:00.001-07:00

A sad dad

2010-11-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

A frazzled new father named Jim
Was well known for mournful hymn
He fought with some slaughters
Who had killed both his daughters
They nearly tore him limb from limb

witch humor

2010-10-31T08:49:00.001-07:00

Water found on Mars

2010-10-22T18:08:00.001-07:00

PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

2010-10-07T07:42:00.000-07:00

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. ??????????

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

It's nice to be strong!

2010-09-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

Oxygenation by Michael Bass

2010-09-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

As long as we put up with huge, unchecked volumes of
oxygen in the air, there will be tragic conflagrations. Fire requires oxygen.
Where does oxygen come from? Plants! That's where!

Plants may be pretty because they put flowers out or they are a lush green.
That's to seduce us into putting up with their continuous belching of raw,
fire-hungry oxygen into our air supply.

If plants could speak, they would say, "Burn, baby, burn!" If they were not
radically pro-blaze they would not suffuse our precious air with their
excrement - - their oygen.

We of the animal world must not stand by and let the plant world run roughshod
over us.

Remember:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Colors are not
All that plants do.

Sign the petition that we Animal Chauvinists present to you at your local flower
shop, where we will be picketing. It is an appeal to our senators to rise up
against the ocean of oxygen that is the source of every deadly fire. They MUST
find a way to rid our environment of oxygen and oxygen-sympathetic gases before
we all go to blazes.

The petition is called Gas Alarm Senate Petition or GASP.

Soon we will go after plants, but we must take it a step at a time. There are
fuzzy-minded liberals who want to coddle plants, and who think an all-animal
world would be unesthetic, less colorful, folic acid deficient, and
lung-negating. They trot out the usual scientific proofs that they seem to have
for every issue, but answer this: Can we stop the fires with math?! Can you put
out a raging inferno with algebra hoses?!

NO! Sign the petition. The last word in ending oygen is GASP.

Quote Game

2010-09-10T15:26:00.000-07:00

*
“I hope that someday Mankind finds a peaceful use for my invention.”
.
“I’m sure they will, Mr. Gatling.”
= = = = =
====
Julius Caesar: “Is that a knife in your robe, Cassius, or are you just glad to
see me?”
= = = =
======
“Let’s turn this gadget of yours toward the stars, Galileo.”
.
“Wait a minute! I think she’s coming back to the window.”
= = = = =
=======
“Do you like my hat at this jaunty angle?”
.
“It’s rakish, but I think it borders on sartorial blasphemy, Your Holiness.”
= = = = =
=======
Mary Magdalene: “Get away from me! I don’t care if you have a MILLION pieces
of silver, you creep! Where’s Jesus?”
= = = = = = = = = = =
=======
“You go first, Adolf. I’ve never held a gun before.”
.
“Oh, no, Eva. Ladies first, by all means.”
.
“ So chivalry is not dead. Giggle. Giggle” BANG! Gurgle.
= = = =
=====
“Dames! They talk, talk, talk, and cry at the drop of a hat! They hate to see a
man resting. They want things, but hate for you to ever leave their side to GET
things! They have anniversaries for everything! And woe is the man who forgets
an anniversary! Damn dames!!
.
Adam: “Hey God, what’s a dame?”
= = = = = = = = = = ==
========
“When we insisted on knowing what your husband does, Mrs. Oppenheimer, we
thought you were kidding when you said that, if you told us, you would have to
kill us.”
.
“Shut up and dig the graves.”
= = = = = = = = ==
===========
“Isaac Newton! Look at you dance! Are there no laws of motion?!”
= = = = = = =
= = = = =
“Loretta, why do you have to tell people I’m a coal miner, when I also write?
Can’t your song say, ‘I’m proud to be a poet’s daughter?’
= = = = =
======
Michael Jackson: “Why are you saying YOU did the moon walk first, Mr.
Armstrong?! “
“Can you tell me your name, young man?”
.
“Immanuel Kant.”
.
“Ah, but you can, and just did, Immanuel.”
Besides that one incident, how was the show at Ford's theater, Mrs Lincoln?

"I'm suing you for malpractice, doctor!"

"But you're dead! I killed you!!"

"You wish, Dr. Kevorkian. You wish."
= == = = =

"I'm thinking of changing my name to Gregory."

"Gregory the Great. Nice alliteration, Alexander!"
= = = = = = = = =

Samuel Taylor Coleridge: "WORDSworth. WORDSworth. WordsWORTH. That's not your
REAL name is it, William?"

= = = =- = = = = = ==
"You're crazy, Copernicus! If Earth were spinning around the sun, we'd have to
lie down and hold on!"

= = = = = = = =

"Bertrand, you're so serious all the time! Why can't you be like your nephew,
Nypsey?"
= = = = =

"Anne Frank! Hobbies are great, but this is no time to take up yodeling!"
= = = = = = = =

Martin Luther King, Jr. : "I'm going out on the balcony to get some
ventilation."

= = = = = = =
Mary Todd Lincoln: "What's this stuff? You brought CATSUP to the theater?! Where
is your brain?!"
= = = = = = = =

"The 2 of us are going to pray now, Dr. Kissinger, and ask Jesus Christ to take
this Watergate thing out of my life."

"But Mr. President, I'm Jewish."

"And I'm presidentish."
= = = = = = = = =

Nancy Reagan: "Ronnie, in your speech, I think it would be nicer to say, 'Mr.
Gorbachev, tear down that wall,' than 'Mr. Gorbachev, get rid of that stain on
your forehead.'"

Bloody humor

2010-08-22T16:14:00.001-07:00

Arteriocyte is making artificial blood and
is awaiting FDA approval for their stem-cell based product. They call it
"pharmed blood."

I listed for you some of the ramifications, upshots, and considerations of this
revolutionary development.

People will not faint at the sight of this pharmed blood, but hiccups may be a
problem.

.

With this blood, a steak will not help a black eye. This will require a pork
chop.
.

The term "red-blooded American" will be less valid, because, with this product,
traitors' blood will also be red.
.

Boys who become blood brothers by mingling pharmed blood will become identical
twins - - -
with the face of the uglier boy.
.
.
To appease the bakers, cookies and doughnuts will be given to those people who
say they would have donated blood if that need still existed.

.

Blood banks will have ATMs.

.
When recipients of pharmed blood blush, they will not have cherubic red cheeks
but will have Satanic red eyes.

.

If your blood is pharmed, mosquitos will know and flee.

.
Bloodhounds may sniff your carotids.
.

With this product, screams will not be blood-curdling, but certain frequencies
of "YO!" may be.

.

The company insists on semantic revisions. Medical personnel cannot take the
pulse of someone with Arteriocyte blood . They can feel it and count it, but
cannot take it or say they took it.

.

Members of old-line, rich families who get pharmed blood will not be blue-bloods
exactly. You may call them "Sort-of-violet-to-fuchsia-bloods."

Warning: Males who use the more descriptive term more than three times become
gay.

..
The product will be expensive because most stem cells have an agent.

.
If there is pharmed blood in the water, sharks will view it with a healthy
skepticism.

.
Hospital labs will find that pharmed blood cannot be typed. It must be
hand-written.

'
When a vampire bat sucks your pharmed blood, you will have no bat-like
side-effects that will be of concern to your loved ones - - - - unless they
are bigoted against night people who navigate by sonar.
.

With Arteriocyte's blood in you, your blood pressure will still go up during
sex, but only when the sex is with something outrageous.
.

Market of Dreams

2010-08-21T08:48:00.000-07:00

F**k Me, Ray Bradbury

2010-08-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

Hospital humor

2010-08-18T14:18:00.001-07:00

A wife was at the hospital in labor. Her husband was beside her when she
suddenly began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" the husband asked.
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

Zoo horn

2010-08-12T04:45:00.001-07:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Animal funnies

2010-08-10T10:40:00.000-07:00

Redneck Water Skiing

2010-08-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

Bible funnies

2010-08-04T10:25:00.000-07:00

California vs Texas

2010-08-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.

Texas: The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that's why California is broke.

DRIVING WHILE ITALIAN

2010-08-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

Sending aid to Mexico

2010-08-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

A CATEGORY 5 HURRICANE hits Mexico.

Two million Mexicans die and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start and is asking for help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except France ) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million Mexicans to replace the dead ones.

how fairy tales really ended

2010-08-04T05:44:00.000-07:00

The little Mermaid

Snow White

Sleeping Beauty

Princesses

Little Red Riding Hood

Cinderella

Disk Drop

2010-08-04T03:54:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Kristin!

Fun with an old hard drive. Took the platters out of many hard drives and put them into one drive. Spin it up to speed and give it a nudge, then watch the fun.

Annual Cheese Rolling event at Cooper's Hill

2010-08-01T14:58:00.000-07:00

Complete This Proverb

2010-07-30T04:40:00.000-07:00

Normally, I don't share my hand-me-down jokes with you folks, but this is
like a word game that kids played and I thought you might like it...

A 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She
presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and
asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to
believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise
you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders,
6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.

Don't change horses

until they stop running.

2.

Strike while the

bug is close.

3.

It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4.

Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5.

You can lead a horse to water but

How?

6.

Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7.

No news is

impossible

8.

A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9.

You can't teach an old dog new

Math

10.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11.

Love all, trust

Me.

12.

The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13.

An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14.

Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15.

Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16.

A penny saved is

not much.

17.

Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18.

Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

20.

There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21.

Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22.

If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23.

You get out of something only what you

See in the picture on the box

24.

When the blind lead the blind

get out of the way.

25.

A bird in the hand

is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26.

Better late than

pregnant

Satanic thoughts

2010-07-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

1. Do unto others so well that they don’t even know they’ve been done unto.
*
2. Never give a sucker an even break, or a chance to get even when you break
him.

*
3. Put the largest crimes in the smallest print.
*
4. Faith and hope are the keys to life. When you have someone’s, he’s ripe.
*
5. There’s a pot of gold at the end of every machination.
*
6. It’s not robbery if you have the signature of the victim.
*
7. Don’t notify Legal until you’re sure Run Around has failed.
*
8. Strong, spiritual people can do without mere worldly possessions, so get it
all.
*
9. Possession is nine tenths of the law. Take possession with the loop-hole
tenth.
*
10. When dealing with families, always think of the small, innocent children;
maybe THEY have something.

Deep thoughts

2010-07-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher –
And, since it's in English, thank a soldier'

And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

The effect of music on babies

2010-07-19T10:12:00.000-07:00

THE MOZART EFFECT
A recent report now says that the Mozart effect is yet another
charming urban legend. The bad news for hip
urban professionals: playing Mozart for your designer baby will not
improve his IQ or help him get into that
exclusive pre-school. He will just have to get admitted to Harvard
some other way.

Of course, we’re all better off listening to Mozart purely for the
pleasure of it. However, one must wonder whether, if playing Mozart
sonatas for little Tiffany or Jason really could boost his or her
intelligence, what would happen if other composers were played during
the kiddies’ developmental time?

Liszt Effect:
Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything
important.

Bruckner Effect:
Child speaks v-e-r-y slowly and repeats himself frequently and at
length. Gains reputation for profundity.

Wagner Effect:
Child becomes a egocentric megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

Puccini Effect:
Child is prone to murderous fits of jealousy if another child plays
with his/her toys. Child also suffers never ending bout of croup and
insists it’s nothing.

Verdi Effect:
Child marches around his room repeatedly, lines up all of his stuffed
animals in a parade, pays particular homage to his stuffed elephants.

Mahler Effect:
Child continually screams – at great length and volume– that he’s dying.

Schoenberg Effect:
Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his
vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards.Eventually, people stop
listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand
him.

Ives Effect:
The child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate
conversations at once, in various dialects.

Glass Effect:
The child tends to repeat himself over and over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and
over and over and over and over and over again.

Stravinsky Effect:
The child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that
often lead to fighting and pandemonium in
the preschool.

Brahms Effect:
The child is able to speak beautifully as long as his sentences
contain a multiple of three words (3, 6, 9, 12,
etc). However, his sentences containing 4 or 8 words are strangely uninspired.

Cage Effect:
Child says nothing for 4 minutes, 33 seconds—exactly. A recent study
has determined that the Cage Effect is preferred by 10 out of 10
classroom teachers.

You and Your Johnson

2010-07-17T09:19:00.000-07:00

I can fix everything!

2010-07-11T06:01:00.001-07:00

My new hat

2010-07-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

People seem to run away when I'm around, I wonder why? They never did that before. The only thing that has changed about me is my new hat.

My bird's smarter thab yours!

2010-07-01T04:41:00.000-07:00

Be careful with your fireworks this july 4th!

2010-07-01T04:33:00.000-07:00

God help us when this fashion hits Wal-Mart!

2010-06-30T20:46:00.000-07:00

What you see are not see-thru skirts. They
are actually prints
on the skirts to make it look as if the panties are visible. They
are the current rage in Japan!

Be careful who you nominate

2010-06-26T05:08:00.001-07:00

Rocket Dentistry

2010-06-16T05:38:00.001-07:00

See more funny videos and Technology Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Be careful

2010-06-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

It's madness!

2010-06-15T04:32:00.001-07:00

Large newborn

2010-06-15T04:29:00.001-07:00

Group Therapy

2010-06-15T04:25:00.000-07:00

Limiting CRS

2010-06-15T04:22:00.000-07:00

Face ball

2010-06-14T04:04:00.000-07:00

About the town of Fucking in Austria

2010-06-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

Keyboard Cathy - Sashimi

2010-06-11T05:21:00.000-07:00

Delicious

2010-06-09T05:23:00.000-07:00

Sky writing

2010-06-08T03:28:00.000-07:00

MISHEARD LYRICS - Manfred Mann - Blinded By The Light

2010-06-07T16:42:00.001-07:00

DUI?

2010-06-06T03:42:00.000-07:00

Nervous Norvus - Transfusion (1956)

Meow!!!!!!

2010-06-05T20:05:00.000-07:00